I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
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I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
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Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
And then he peed in my hair
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