I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
