so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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