I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
