glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Randomize
