You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
