Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
