The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
