Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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