oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
