five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
