where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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