just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
