textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
