On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Randomize
