Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
