I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
