There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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