omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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