: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Less talking, more tequila
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
