I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
