I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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