I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
