I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
