EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
time to smoke my breakfast
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
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