I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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