So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I want to walk on stilts...naked
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Randomize
