you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
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