u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
