I want to stick my p in your. b.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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