i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
