Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
