Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
