Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
