I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
