I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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