I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
