I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
