last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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