im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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