in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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