I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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