i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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