while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
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