Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
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