Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
