I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
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