I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize