Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
