I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Well I just put wine in my tea
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
