There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
