I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
