did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Randomize
