If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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