my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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