My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
