hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
