it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
